This may suprise you...

I have feelings!

Yes, this may come as a complete shock to those that know me because I do tend to hide them quite well in most circumstances.

I also know that being male, we aren't really supposed to express these really. But risking being called "soft", "Poof" or any other vague slight on my masculinity, doesn't really bother me. I can, if the need arises be really quite 'masculine' and a blokey bloke. It's just that I am a bit of a three dimensional character really. 

I try (usually failing) to be a gentleman. I open doors for ladies, walk on the road side of the pavement, pay for meals, pull out chairs and if I used the bus, I'd give up my seat. Just silly little things really. But in today's modern society that does seem to make me a bit of an oddity, stuck in a bygone age. Maybe if I swore at women, blew smoke in their face and made them pay for stuff all the time while insulting their looks, or ignoring them, maybe I wouldn't be single? There is an opinion eh?  

Having feelings isn't just about that dreaded 'L' word (love). Respect, admiration, trust,and on the flip side, egregiousness, dislike and mistrust are just as valid emotions. Not forgetting jealousy and detachment of course to throw into that swirling mix!

I have a friend that I admire. Not in a romantic sense (because it's a man and I don't swing that way). He has overcome adversity that I'm not sure that I could have. Since I've known him the change he has created in himself is remarkable, and this is what sparks admiration and respect from me. Not that me respecting him means anything in the grand old scheme of things it just inspires me to attempt to be a better person. And that is a compliment that I don't throw at many people at all. A hearty "well done mate" and a pint doesn't always express the fact that I seriously admire the effort he has put in and I just hope that in some tiny, minuscule way, I helped him along that journey.

"Sometimes I wonder what you think of me or if you do at all."

As I said in an earlier post, I am (unusually for me) holding a torch for someone at the moment. I wont embarrass this person by naming them or even alluding to who they may be. Suffice to say, I'm pretty sure that they don't know and if they did, would have already said their "thanks but no thanks" piece. Me dating her would be the equivalent of Shane MacGowan asking Hayden Panettiere on a date. "Err, nooo".

I do quite consider myself to be unlucky in the love stakes. Ladies have come and gone (not nearly enough of them if you ask me!) but I've never found THE ONE. I do believe that there is a perfect person out there for everyone. We may not all meet them and in cases settle for "almost perfect" for many reasons and be happy and fulfilled in life. This is no bad thing at all. I once, a couple of years ago, thought that I had met THE ONE but, due to timing and the fact I look a bit like a pink Shrek, chose someone else. Woah, now that is one disappointment that hurt! So, if you are interested, and female, drop me a Line?

My first personal ad, or was that a plea? I'll leave you to decide that one.

"It's not telling you how I feel that scares me, it's what you'll say back."

I hate being ignored. I know you probably feel the same way, but it really does gnaw at me a little when people ignore me. There is someone that is ignoring me at present and it is really irritating me because I had hoped that it was the one person in the world that wouldn't ignore me. They seem to find it easy to make time for other people but not me. This isn't a woe is me tale, it's actually a bit of a rant. As you have probably guessed it has made me rather angry. And what will Kris do about it? Precisely what I always do when this happens, stew in my own anger for a while, and then when this person deigns that I may have a few minutes of their time, I'll run like the daft, devoted, puppy-dog I am. So no sympathy thanks!

"My wish upon this shooting star is that your heart be happy."

To close this post I'll end with the thought that someone, once close to me, shared with me-

"Kris, you are only happy when you are making other people happy, can't you be a bit more selfish? What do YOU want?"

A bad way to live?

I just want the chance to make someone happy.